Vole DNA
by BayesWatch
Summary: Morty needs Vole DNA badly.


The rain battered against the cabin window; outside, the only light sources were the crescent moon and the plethora of lightning bugs. Inside, the electric light was dimming and making room for the sixty one candles to shine. The kids were at home under the care of their maternal grandparents, who always enjoyed a chance to visit. Jessica's eyes were doing that weird glimmering-oversized-pupils thing that they did whenever she had anything really important to say.

"Morty, it's time for another," said Jessica. Morty knew exactly what she meant, and choked as a consequence, but decided to confirm it for the sake of redundancy.

"Another - baby?" said Morty. She nodded expectantly, though not, to her dismay, expectingly. "Jessica, we have twenty five. Our oldest just moved out to go to college. It's time to stop." Jessica's facial expression didn't change. Her eyes just continued to glimmer, in a way that continued to sap at Morty's will, though less each year. She slid her fourth finger against Morty's, and their rings tapped.

"It's never time to stop," said Jessica. Morty knew that she was indicating their mutual immunity to injury – let alone aging.

* * *

Morty was fifteen. Jessica was fifteen. They stumbled out of a portal and into a garage, and Jessica had been shot and was bleeding out.

"Geez, Morty," said Rick, who was reading three different Uranian magazines at once. "Sounds like you guys had a rough time." He glanced at Jessica and returned to his magazines.

"Rick, you've gotta help us!" said Morty. "She's in critical condition, she's a goner, Rick!" Jessica coughed up a ball of blood the size of her fist.

"Morty, I just want you to know that I'll always – love -" Jessica extended her hand towards the ceiling lamp. Her eyes closed, and Rick groaned.

"Morty, I just had this place cleaned, Morty," said Rick. "If you wanted to have a dramatic death scene for your little cultist, you should have done it on the other side of the portal, Morty, and told me about it later."

"I don't want a dramatic death scene!" said Morty. "You've gotta have something somewhere that can save her!"

"I probably do, Morty," said Rick. "But wouldn't it be easier to just get you another one?" Another ball of blood came forth.

"No!" said Morty. "No-no-no! Jessica and I are soul-mates!"

"Morty," said Rick, "In my travels I've found one intelligent species where the concept of soul-mates is relevant. And humans are kind of like the opposite of that species, Morty. If you're really certain that you want to keep this Jessica, then we can get an alternate version of her from an alternate universe later, Morty."

"Why?" said Morty.

"That's a good question, Morty," said Rick. "Why do you care so much?" By this point, though, he was rooting around in his tool-box, resigned to solving the problem.

"Because I care about her!" said Morty. "Don't you care about me? If I was in danger you'd try to save me, right? You wouldn't just leave me behind and get another alternate Morty, would you?"

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to, Morty," said Rick, and he directed a ray at Jessica, a ray made of metal rather than light. "In fact, don't ask questions you haven't really thought about, so you don't know whether you want the answers or not, Morty. Actually – don't ask any questions at all, Morty." Rick burped.

* * *

"It's never time to stop _living_ , but-" Morty started.

"Isn't this living?" said Jessica.

"Maybe living too fast," said Morty.

"Is something wrong, Morty?" said Jessica. She didn't seem vindictive at all, just innocent and hurt and maybe a bit terrified. "Do you – do you want to slow down? Take a break from kids for a few years? ...decades?" Morty stared into space, and tried to figure out what he wanted to say. "...centuries?"

"I feel like I've seen enough of parenting," said Morty. Jessica swallowed.

"For now, Morty," said Jessica. "You'll change your mind."

"What if I don't change my mind?" said Morty. "How would you deal with that?"

"You'll change your mind eventually," said Jessica. "You change your mind so much more often than I do." These words hit Morty like a ton of radioactive bricks.

"I do, don't I?" said Morty, and he knew, of course, that that was entirely his fault.

* * *

It'd been a few weeks since Jessica had nearly died, and Morty was deeply concerned. He found Rick alone and initiated a conversation.

"Rick, I have a request," said Morty.

"Oh, Morty," said Rick. "That's a request, and not a question, Morty. Very clever, Morty."

"Rick, can you make people immortal?" asked Morty.

"Oh, Morty," said Rick. "You really bit the big one, you really screwed the pooch, Morty. That's a question. You said it was a request but it was a question, Morty. You need to be more assertive, Morty, and listen to yourself before you talk, Morty."

"Make me and Jessica immortal, Rick," said Morty, a sigh growing in his speech.

"But the answer is no, Morty," said Rick. "I can't make you immortal, Morty, because you already are, and everyone else is, too, Morty; it's called quantum immortality."

"What's quantum immortality?" said Morty.

"Oh, you're batting a thousand today, Morty," said Rick. "Whatever situation you're in, there's always a universe where you survive it, Morty. So you always experience that universe, instead of the one where you're dead, Morty. Because you can't experience a lack of experiencing anything, that's an oxymoron, Morty."

"But-" started Morty.

"But everyone else is going to die, Morty," said Rick. "Because the odds of you and someone else living forever are even more zero than the odds of just you living forever and that zero, zero Morty, zero odds Morty. So you're going to experience living forever, Morty, but Jessica's going to die and you're going to be really sad, Morty, if you don't learn to deal with it. If it makes you feel any better, somewhere out there in possibility-space there's a Jessica who is equally inevitably living forever, but you're dead, Morty. You're as dead to her as she is to you."

"Make us actually immortal, Rick," said Morty. "As opposed to quantum immortal."

"Morty, if I could do that, do you think I'd look like an old man instead of a twenty-year-old rising movie star, Morty? You're an idiot, Morty." Rick burped. "You're an idiot who doesn't see the bigger picture."

"But you can, can't you?" said Morty.

"Morty, are you even listening to me?" said Rick. Morty stared at him, angry rather than disappointed. Rick was growing angry himself. "But sure. Sure, Morty. I think I can solve your problem in about two weeks." Morty smiled, but found himself confused.

"You've never done this before, though," said Morty, with an implied "why?"

"Of course not," said Rick. "Do you want to know why? Because none of this matters, Morty. None of this matters at all."

* * *

"So?" said Jessica, with a smile plastered on her face and her pupils bulging even larger than they had been.

"Let's take a break for a year or two, and see how I feel then," said Morty.

"Oh, Morty!" said Jessica. "I'll love you forever and ever; two years is nothing to me."

"And I'll love you forever and ever, Jessica," said Morty. "Or die trying." Jessica gave Morty a friendly punch to the arm; they both knew the phrase "or die trying" was meaningless to them. Morty sighed, and whispered, "Jessica, I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," said Jessica.

* * *

"Here's your stupid immortality... immortalities, Morty," said Rick. He threw a ring at Morty's face. "One for you." He threw another ring at Morty's face. "One for her."

"Morty!" said Jessica. "Mr. Sanchez! They're beautiful!"

"Oh, I'm glad you think so – what's your name again?" said Rick.

"Jessica!" said Jessica.

"Jessica," said Rick. "I made them rings because I figured you kids would need 'em soon enough anyway. Wubba lubba dub-dub!" Something in his eyes said 'Morty, you sick fuck,' but Morty wouldn't recognize it until later. "No diamond, but I figured the literally-making-you-immortal part makes up for that. You put these babies on, they'll never come off. And you just won't die, or get old and wrinkly, or any shit like that. Have fun, Morty, Mortette. Now, I have some business to take care of." Rick took out something that looked like a glowstick, and held it up in the air until Jessica spoke up.

"What's that, Mr. Sanchez?" said Jessica.

"Why, Beth, I'm glad you asked!" said Rick. Morty and Jessica exchanged concerned glances. "This is an emergency reality escape device! When I snap it, it'll take me and all of my shit and move it to a different, random reality! No clue where, except that it won't have any humans! I'll be a unique specimen there, that's for sure! And whatever happens, I won't have to live with the guilt of helping you roofie that poor girl, Morty!"

"Morty, what's he talking about?" said Jessica.

"I have no idea," said Morty.

"Technically, it was vole DNA," said Rick. "But same difference, Morty! You took away her free will, Morty! You're lucky she didn't have the flu, Morty. Would have wiped out the entire planet, probably, weird reaction. But maybe that would have been better for you, Morty, because you don't have a reality escape device, and you will have to live with the guilt, and I know you experience that emotion, Morty! Guilt, Morty!"

"If it was so awful, why did you help me?" said Morty. Rick stared at him, and Jessica, who had collapsed to the floor, was backing away from both of them. A cruel smile overtook Rick.

"You're your father's son, Morty," said Rick, and with a snap, he was gone, along with most of the contents of the garage. Morty slowly turned to Jessica.

"That's just my crazy grandpa," said Morty.

Rick never returned.

* * *

"Vole DNA," muttered Morty. If he was ever going to be compatible with Jessica, he would need to apply the same serum to himself that he'd applied to her twenty years ago. But that serum, and all knowledge on how to make it, had disappeared with Rick the year afterwards.

"What, Morty?" said Jessica.

"Nothing, Jessica," said Morty. He stared out the window.

"Oh, Morty, honey," said Jessica. "I know you need a break. Things are getting a bit hectic. But just think – over the eons, we're going to have so many children! Infinite children! Little Morties and Jessicas, over and over, infinity times. Infinity times Morty and Jessica, Morty and Jessica ad infinitum, the continuing adventures of Morty and Jessica times infinity dot com ad nauseum forever and ever and ever and ev


End file.
